The strong women in my life

Living with strong women feels like being on the set of a Disney or Ridley Scott movie. I've always had prominent feminine figures in my life - granny, mum and Wifey. Mum and Wifey have one thing in common - a tough childhood. Abusive care-givers, poverty, you name it, they've experienced it.

Mum never had formal education, and learned what she knows from the toughest school possible, the school of life. She was such a daring and tough nut she moved over to Australia to find opportunities even without being able to converse in English then. Thirty years and many colorful experiences later, she can win any verbal fight with the roughest and toughest of working-class Aussies, and once going toe to toe with a police officer who falsely accused her of a crime she didn't commit. My mum supported me through my teenage years during the 80s when the exchange rate made it very worthwhile to send money back to Singapore. I would not be where I am today without my mum.

Wifey grew up without the certainty of when the next meal would be provided. She sold the evening newspapers at the age of nine to supplement family income. She's a naturally intelligent woman who, for the lack of opportunity, did not progress very far in school. Like my mum, she picked up fluent English as an adult in the working world. And just like mum, I've learned early on in our relationship to never mess with her unless I want to beat a full retreat. Wifey supported me, and believed in me even when I did not. She gave me courage to do things that I wouldn't have otherwise tried.

There are strong women, and there is Mum and Wifey. I love my mum, I love my wife.

The backyard

 

High-rise & high-density living made me forget about the concept of a large personal space. It's easier to think in a quiet backyard the size of my flat in Singapore. Having experienced Hong Kong, Singapore and now this. Certainly a stark contrast.

Living in the shadow of the mall culture

Hanging out at a shopping mall somewhere in the Melbourne suburb. Can't believe I flew a few thousand miles to do this. You can take a person out of Singapore, but you can't take Singapore out of that person.

10% service charge

This is a familiar item on restaurant bills but did you know that this amount is NOT given to restaurant staff? So this is not an equivalent of the tip, neither are you paying for "service". Be nice next time you're tempted to make the statement, "I paid the 10% so you better serve me." That's not the way it works here, folks.

The price of being competitive

Here I am, sitting outside the Central Library along Bras Basah Road, taking a rest while the sound of the city hums in the background. A fire alarm goes off and pierces my consciousness, but nobody around me seems to react to it.

I realize the sensorial overload that city dwellers are subjected to on a daily basis. It's not a wonder that our senses become blunt. Having to handle the assault on the brain does not allow children to develop any kind of meaningful attention span.

Back in the benign 80s and early 90s, the ability to multi-task was lauded in schools and by parents looking to give their kids an edge over others. And not being able to do so was taken as a character flaw.

Is it any wonder that a generation of Singaporeans was raised with attention deficit?

Father-son metro tour

So I went out for a short walk with John while Wifey was busy with errands. It was one of those lazy, humid days where I just want to cool down in a mall. BTW, Parkway Parade has the strongest air conditioning, with my kids having to wear double layers whenever we're there.

So this is "my" metro stop, named after the WW2 SAC of Southeast Asia, and last Viceroy of India, who was unfortunately assassinated by the IRA in the 70s. Anyway, John had a jolly good time pointing to and naming things at the top of his voice, much to the amusement of commuters.

I think the Circle Line has the most colorful station names of all. Harbour Front, Kent Ridge, Holland Village, Caldecott, Tai Seng, Dakota, and so on. Everyone with an interesting story behind it.

Eye power

My precocious five-year-old saw this comic art and remarked, "This man has eye power. He looks at something and gets the job done."

If it happens in future, please remind me to stop her from signing on as an army regular...

Why I left Shanghai - epilogue

Teaching can be quite draining work, and over the last three to four years I became detached from my students and colleagues, going into auto-pilot mode to conserve my emotion while neglecting to draw from the Source. A stagnant body of water that receives and does not give becomes dead. This is a time of rest before the longer journey ahead. The way is unknown except to God.

I realize I have the freedom to leave the job in Shanghai, without having to worry about putting food on the table as long as I do the work of God. This work is simply to believe and obey. This then is why I left Shanghai. First to get rested, then followed by reconciliation of wounded relationships, after that other work will line up for my family. God is providing a lamp before my feet, showing me just enough for the next step. Any farther revelation negates the exercise of faith that’s necessary for intimacy with the Lord.

My gut feel is to return to China, where the harvest of souls is indeed plentiful but the labourers insufficient. It is a nation existing in a spiritual vacuum - thanks to six decades under the state ideology of atheism. God has prepared the Chinese to receive Him, the One true God. After that the Gospel will cross Central Asia. I want to be a part of this wave to welcome them who are pressing into the kingdom of God.

I began writing these short notes as a reminder to myself, so I don’t lose my bearing. But I would like to share more with you who are reading this and taking an interest. Part of my time in Singapore includes obeying a command from my Lord Jesus, to “return to thine own house, and show how great things God hath done unto thee.” God has indeed done great things for me. I would like to share more with you, beyond what is written here. Please contact me if you wish to.

May the Spirit of God draw you close to the Father in heaven, through Jesus the Son.

Why I left Shanghai pt 6

They say that a person’s identity is tied up with his work. What this person does for a living defines him. “Hello, my name’s _______. I’m a _______.” What would you put in the second blank when you introduce yourself? Put it another way, what’s the question you’d ask someone after you know the name?

I had been unhappy about work in Shanghai. Much of this unhappiness was due to my lack of gratitude to God for giving me this job. Instead of feeling liberated, there was a feeling of living from  one pay cheque to another. Kicking against the goads was, I believe, an apt description of my state of mind.

I wanted to explain the two necessities of life - work and, by extension, the food that I bring to the table. So I embarked on a two-week fast in the winter of 2013, telling God that I was going into the fast without forcing any agenda on Him. Whatever He wanted to tell me, or not, I will listen.

 A few days into the fast, early one morning - it must have been about 3 or 4 o’clock, I was drifting in and out of sleep when Jesus spoke to me, with the words He said while waiting for the Samaritan woman to return to the well. “My food is to do the will of Him who sent me, and to finish His work.” Having never experience such a direct revelation, I wanted a confirmation that it wasn’t just a lucid dream induced by the fast. It came barely 3 hours later while I was cycling to work - “…for flesh and blood have not revealed it to you, but my Father which is in heaven.” This sentence, recorded by Matthew, just popped into my head. And with it confirmation and epiphany.

The real food is not what’s on the table. God sustains us when we do His work. This sustenance goes beyond the physical. This is why people fast, for there is a purpose higher than our earthly existence, which is to do God’s will. And what is the work of God? As John recorded what Jesus said, “This is the work of God, that you believe on Him [Jesus] whom He [God] has sent.” That’s as direct as it can get.

Don’t worry about my job. I have only to believe and obey Jesus, and He will provide sustenance for my family and me. What's important? That I reconcile relationships. The ones that matter most is the broken relationships with my mother, and the family that raised me. I have to reconcile with them to move out of the shadow of hurts. To allow myself to relate normally with my wife and kids. And what’s more, as a result of reconciliation, I may see my mother and care-givers in eternity.

Why I left Shanghai pt 5

Much as I dislike admitting it, my childhood experience shaped me and coloured my relationships. This was made apparent after getting married and starting a family. Who I really was came out during conflicts with my wife. The way I behaved also affected the children. In short, I failed as the head of the household. Failed very badly regarding Paul’s admonishment to the early church in Ephesus, when he wrote, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”

At some point in 2012 I realized that I was living in the shadow of my past, of being brought up in an absent single-mother family, of verbal and sometimes physical abuse by the care-giver. The relationship with my mother was strained to the point where I refused to join her after she had finalized her migration to Australia, when I was 13. I remember ripping to pieces a letter from the Australian High Commission, informing me to collect my permanent resident’s visa. In my mind then was the thought - you go your way, I’ll go mine.

One of the very first thing Jesus preached on the Mount of Olives was that anger towards another is akin to killing. Just so you know that my Lord sees my anger towards my mother as something as serious as killing her. There is no doubt that I need to go ask her for forgiveness. The question is whether I would cross the sea just to do that. We could talking over the phone, but my gut feel is that a phone conversation doesn’t count. Does anyone seriously believe that years of hurt can be resolved over the phone?

Luke records the account of Jesus crossing the Sea of Galilee to release one person from a legion of demons. Just one person. Jesus crossed the sea of isolation to release me from my past, so I no longer have to live in its shadow. Now my fractured childhood has no hold over me, and my own family can live in the light of Christ. The question remains - would I cross the sea to reconcile with my mother?

Why I left Shanghai pt 4

Unsolicited emails have a bad reputation, so I did not pay attention to one that a colleague, whom I did not know well, sent me in late spring 2013. It was a request to connect with my wife because she (the colleague, whom I'll name J) wanted to find out more about homeschool. J was moving her family from Shanghai to Xi'an, and she was considering homeschooling her kids.

I must have still been ruminating the scraps of information from the gathering in January when I replied her email, because I made a casual remark about Xi'an being the start of the Silk Road, and there are missionaries trying to carry the Gospel into Central Asia. That throwaway line resonated with her. There is no coincidence in life. It turned out that J was moving as part of the Gospel's westward spread from China proper, across Central Asia, all the way to Jerusalem, back where it started when my Lord Jesus promised the power of the Holy Ghost to be His witnesses to the uttermost part of the Earth.

J invited me to a sharing session in a Korean church. This was the first time I had contact with people who endured hardship for the sake of the Gospel. To know about their story was God answering my wife's prayer. God had shown me a glimpse of His plan for China.

Western missionaries had brought the light of Christ to nearly every part of the world, from the late Roman Empire & the Middle East, to India, Africa, the New World, and later, East Asia and the Pacific. There was one region where none had made headway - Central Asia. This region is the prize God has reserved for the Chinese church. I knew then that my family was allowed into China to be a part of this. If I could support my Chinese brothers & sisters in this, then my family's existence would have meaning, meaning that transcends our time on Earth.

John records my Lord Jesus saying that those who would worship God must worship Him in spirit and in truth. So before I go further, as head of my household, I must live a life of truth. But what is truth? There is no more taste in living a life spent chasing the ephemeral. God wants reconciliation, and He cries when even one person is hurt. Why would Jesus, who knew that He was bringing Lazarus back to life, weep? Shouldn't He be celebrating? He wept because He felt the pain of those who loved Lazarus.

And I had caused someone in my life to weep. And I had hated someone enough to have killed him in my thoughts a hundred times over. This pain & hate defined me until Jesus set me free. Free to walk away from that character-defining hatred, but most important, free to forgive them, to ask for their forgiveness, to seek reconciliation. I feel that this reconciliation must be done before I can move on to help my Chinese brothers & sisters. Anything less would not be living a life of truth.

Small space living

Small space living means taking one's workout sessions out along the common corridor.

Why I left Shanghai pt 3

Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching. - A letter written to the Hebrews.

Growing up as an only child, I am more comfortable being by myself than in community. But being isolated is not what God created us for. Even Jesus, when He retreated away from the crowds, was never isolated from community, because His retreat was for private communion with God the Father. How can God be love, if love needs both a lover and a beloved, and before the creation of man there was no one but God?

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.



God the Father has always loved God the Son in eternity. That is why John, the beloved disciple of Jesus, could claim that God is love.

By isolating myself from community, I had also isolated myself from God. It is a mistake to think that I can go at it alone in my relationship with Him, or even have my family exist apart from the greater community of neighbours, fellow Christians, and those whom we come into contact with.

So by the end of 2012, I lost any vision beyond the petty matters of daily work. I was on the verge of quitting from the job, and breaking my contract with my employers. All because work had neither taste nor purpose to me. It was then, through a combination of her great love for me and the love God had put into her heart, that my dear Geraldine prayed for God to send Christian brothers to speak with me, and for God to show me a glimpse of His vision for China. I had also asked Him to speak to me.

It was no coincidence there was a gathering of Christian expatriate men in January 2013, in a posh hotel somewhere in an industrial/high-tech business area in Pudong, Shanghai. It was, in fact, an annual gathering to hear testimonies, and visions and purposes for foreign Christians working in Shanghai. The theme for that particular gathering was “Hearing God’s Voice in the Marketplace”. The speaker was a certain Paul Hawkins, a leader of YWAM. I’m including his name here for future reference.

Without going into the details of the 2-day meeting, I realized that I did not hear from God because I chose not to. Why should He speak if I was not going to obey? Do I want to hear His voice like I would a CD? Popping on the headphones only when I want to feel good?


After repentance and prayers, God revealed a part of His vision for China. He is moving His body of believers in China, giving the Chinese economic power and favour with nations in Central Asia. He is training the Chinese church in leadership roles, using Christian expatriates as mentors. I am privileged that God chose to use my family to reach out to the Shanghai community. In a small way, my family brought the light of the Gospel to a small corner of Shanghai, touching one family, or even one person at a time.



God would reveal a larger part of His vision to me barely five months later, as the summer of 2013 approached. This time, not through a large gathering in a posh hotel in far-flung Pudong, but in a small Korean house church along a quiet street in messy Hongqiao.

Why I left Shanghai pt 2

By the summer of 2012 I didn't know what I was doing in Shanghai anymore, having gone there on a response to a small ad in the Jobs section of the Straits Times in 2008. Life was comfortable as a high-school teacher on an expatriate package in a low cost city. But (there's always this word with a big fat B) something was eating me inside. I blamed it on everyone else but my own lack of gratitude.


Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.


Husbands & fathers will agree with me that one of the first signs that something isn't right with a man is when he stops talking to his wife. It's easy to hide behind a veneer of respectability when a man is outside of the home. We were a picturesque family of harmonious smiles, but I had stopped communicating with my wife. That was not the way God intended any marriage to be. That wasn't the truth.


She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.


Just like the Godly wife whom wise King Lemuel wrote about, my wife began to pray for me, that He would give me a glimpse of His vision for China. She sensed my loss of vision, and asked God to show me His. A lesser woman would have prayed for the uncomfortable situation to be taken away. But that's not how things worked with God, and she knew God enough to know that.

Things started to happen in the winter of 2012/13. A series of events showing me that there are no coincidences in life.

The difficulty of resting

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

These are the words of Jesus, Son of God. Who would've known that it's not easy to obey Him? I've lived a life full of agenda, schedule, time-tables, and expectations. It's not easy to give up all that, especially among a people who equate idle moments with inefficiency.

But am I made for work, or is work made for my benefit? Do I have my identity in doing instead of simply being a child of God? Does God love me because of what I can do? Or does His love remain steadfast through my entire life?

Fathers, do you love your children because of what they can do? Do you love them more for being able to recite multiplication tables? Do you love them less when they spill food on the floor for the n-th time?

...for He makes His sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.

Rest, my anxious heart, rest. God loves me simply because He is God.

...for God is love.

Why I left Shanghai

Some have asked me the reason for my departure. I’m also writing this to clarify my thoughts, so many things happened over the past six years that it is difficult for me to remember everything.

The most direct would also be the most appropriate. It starts with what my Lord, Jesus, said to a bunch of people who wanted to follow Him but were hesitant because of other commitments. Jesus’ reply was, “No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.”

So here was His reply to me, a self-proclaimed Christian, by definition a follower of Christ. Knowing that I had, and am still looking back, didn’t sit well with me. There is a feeling in me that I am living a life less than true. That I am unfit for the kingdom of God.

A conversation with an older and wiser Christian brother one Saturday morning had me questioning my interpretation of the truth, much like Pilate, who asked, what is truth? I came to recognize that I don’t have a firm handle of what truth really is. I had missed the truth even as it was out in plain sight. In reply to Thomas’ question about finding the way to God, Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth…” So truth isn’t a concept, idea, or agenda. Truth is a person, and that person is Jesus Christ.

Winter Solstice 2011

Reflected on my post about the winter solstice of 2007, especially the part on the relevance of marking this occasion in the tropics.

Well, I'm in the thick of winter now at 31 degrees north of the Equator. It was cold today and the sun set around 4.30pm.

I'm looking forward to longer days back in Singapore. And of course when my family comes back to Shanghai towards the end of January. Most of all, I'm looking forward to joining my family. I imagine the mandarins that were sent to faraway posts, returning once a year for the winter break to join their families. Suddenly the term "year-end block leave" takes on a significance it never had for me.

Let me wish one and all a happy reunion time this winter solstice as you go home to loved ones.

One-year hiatus

Shanghai, clear skies, 3 to 11 degrees Celsius.

Looking at my long-ago posts I'm quite taken by how much things have changed. I wonder if it's still worth keeping up this blog. Everyone seems to have moved on to Facebook and/or Twitter. Perhaps only Wifey and a former student of mine who's in Boston now still drop by occasionally.

I'll keep this blog perhaps as something to leave to my children.

Went out to the cold tonight to look at the stars. They remind me that there are bigger things in life than work and petty affairs of those around me. They speak to me of the frailty of Man in comparison to everything that's out there. They have been shining since before I was born and they will continue to shine after I turn to dust if the Second Coming doesn't happen soon.

Mostly the stars tell me to treasure the moments I have with my family. I miss them (family, not the stars) badly for the past two months since Wifey went back to Singapore to prepare the arrival of our 4th.

My family, my only treasure here.

Nicer weather now

Went out with the family to a park that charges RMB100 per person...to view flowers in bloom. Was sulking about the price and 1.5-hour car ride but it was nice. Environment was nice, mainly because of the lack of the ubiquitous Chinese smoker and spitter. Of course, the occasional idiot existed but with the fresh Pudong air, all was forgiven.


Kids loved it too, with nice food (Mac's), ice-cream and nice lawns to trample play ball on.

And Faith even gave that rare smile for the camera...



All in all, a good weekend of spring-summer weather.

Why I love digital...

Back in the bad old days of film, I would have wasted a whole roll...

OK, so how do I get this self-timer function to...oops..that's NOT it...



Dad: Joy! Look at the camera!
Joy: Dad! Stop messing with my hair!


*thump*
Wifey: Stop pulling me! And lose some weight so you won't fall over every time you try to squat.


Finally....
And Baby Peace has lost her patience...